Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] So there I was, mid sexual encounter with someone I absolutely adored when this voice in my head started going, you sound weird. Your face probably looks ridiculous right now. Are you taking too long? Should you be doing something different? Oh God, what if they're getting bored? And I realized my inner critic had apparently decided to live tweet my sex life. Because here's the thing nobody warns you about when you're trying to have embodied, present sexual experiences.
[00:00:30] Your psyche is basically a crowded apartment building, and during vulnerable moments like sex, all the residents want to have their say. You've got the part that's desperate to perform perfectly, the part that's convinced you're doing everything wrong. The part that's scanning for danger, the part that just wants to hide under a blanket, and maybe, if you're lucky, one tiny part that actually wants to be present for pleasure.
[00:00:58] It's like trying to have an intimate conversation while a committee of critics, protectors and anxious managers are all shouting advice from the peanut gallery. Maybe you know this experience.
[00:01:09] You start sexual activity feeling genuinely turned on and connected, and then suddenly you're not really there anymore. Not because you've dissociated, but because you've been hijacked by the part of you that's convinced you need to be someone else to be lovable.
[00:01:24] The part that's monitoring every sound you make, every expression on your face, every move you're making to make sure you're doing sex right. Or maybe it's the part that's so terrified of being vulnerable that it starts planning your escape route the moment things get emotionally intimate.
[00:01:43] Or the part that's convinced pleasure is dangerous and keeps finding reasons why you should stop.
[00:01:49] Or the part that's so desperate to be wanted that it performs enthusiasm you don't actually feel. If you've ever felt like there's a whole internal committee arguing about your sexual choices while you're trying to actually have sex, this episode is for you.
[00:02:05] Hey, loves. This is Dr. Misty with Untamed Ember, where we talk about sex, shame, the nervous system, and today, how to negotiate with the various parts of your psyche that have opinions about your sex life.
[00:02:18] Today we're diving into internal family systems therapy and how understanding the different parts of yourself can revolutionize your sexual experience.
[00:02:28] Because here's what's wild.
[00:02:30] Most sexual difficulties aren't about technique or desire. They're about internal parts that are trying to protect you in ways that end up interfering with the very connection and pleasure you're seeking. We're going to explore how to identify These sexual parts understand what they're trying to protect and and learn to work with them instead of being controlled by them. Because when you can have conscious relationships with your internal parts during sex, everything changes. Before we dive into how parts show up during sex, let's talk about what internal family systems actually is. Because once you understand this framework, you'll never look at your internal experience the same way again.
[00:03:12] IFS was developed by Richard Swartz, who notice that people naturally talk about themselves in parts language. Part of me wants this, but another part of me is scared. I'm torn between different parts of myself. There's this part of me that always sabotages things. Instead of treating this as just a figure of speech, IFS says, what if these parts are real? What if your psyche is actually made up of multiple parts, each with their own feelings, their own beliefs, and protective strategies?
[00:03:43] According to ifs, we all have different types of parts. Exiles are the vulnerable parts that carry our deepest needs, creativity, joy, and, yes, authentic sexual desire. These are the parts that got hurt, shamed, or rejected, so other parts stepped in to protect them by pushing them out of conscious awareness. Managers are the parts that try to control situations to prevent the exiles from getting hurt again. They're the planners, the people pleasers, the perfectionists, the ones who try to make you acceptable and safe. Firefighters are the parts that emerge when the manager's strategies fail and the exiles are in pain. They're the ones that reach for quick fixes, numbing behaviors, or reactive responses to make the pain stop immediately. And beneath all these parts is what IFS calls self. Your essential, uninjured core that has the capacity for curiosity, compassion, courage, and genuine connection.
[00:04:44] Now imagine trying to have vulnerable, authentic sexual connection when you've got this whole internal committee running the show. Your exile parts may carry your genuine desire for intimacy and pleasure, but they've been locked away because expressing desire wasn't safe in your family, your religion, or your early relationships.
[00:05:04] Meanwhile, your manager parts are trying to control the sexual experience to make sure nothing goes wrong. They're monitoring your performance, managing your partner's responses, making sure you don't seem too needy or too wild or too anything that might lead to rejection.
[00:05:20] And if the manager's strategies don't work, if you start feeling too vulnerable, or if something triggers old pain, your firefighter parts might jump in with numbing, performing, or reactive behaviors. The result?
[00:05:34] You're trying to have sex while a whole internal committee is arguing about whether it's safe, whether you're doing it right, and whether you should run away immediately. For my neurodivergent folks, this gets even more complex. Because many of our parts developed around masking and trying to appear neurotypical. We might have manager parts that are constantly monitoring whether we're stimming too much, making the right eye contact, or processing sensory input in ways that seem normal.
[00:06:03] Let's get specific about the most common parts that show up during sexual encounters, because recognizing them is the first step to working with them instead of being hijacked by them. This is the part that's convinced your worth depends on being amazing at sex. The performance manager has studied all the articles, knows all the techniques, and is constantly monitoring whether you're doing everything right during sex. This part is running a constant commentary. Are you making the right sounds? Is your body positioned attractively? How long has this been going on? Should you try something different? The performance manager means well. It's trying to make sure you're desirable and that your partner has a good experience, but it turns sex into a job performance instead of an embodied experience.
[00:06:52] The Hypervigilant Protector this part is constantly scanning for signs of danger, rejection, or judgment. It's watching your partner's face for micro expressions of boredom or disappointment. It's analyzing every sound they make for clues about whether they're actually enjoying themselves. The Hypervigilant Protector often carries trauma around sexual rejection or criticism. It learned that being sexually vulnerable could lead to humiliation, so now it stays on high alert during intimate moments. The People Pleasing Caretaker the this part is so focused on your partner's pleasure and comfort that it completely abandons your own experience.
[00:07:32] The caretaker says yes when it means maybe goes along with things that don't feel good and prioritizes your partner's needs over your own boundaries. The Caretaker often develops in families where your needs weren't welcome or where you learned that love was conditional on making others happy during sex. It shows up as performing enthusiasm you don't feel or agreeing to things your body doesn't actually want. The Shame Carrying Exile this is the part that carries all the messaging you received about sexuality being dirty, dangerous, or wrong. The Shame Carrying Exile might have learned from religion, trauma, or culture that sexual desire makes you bad or that pleasure is selfish.
[00:08:17] This part often stays hidden during sexual encounters, but its presence creates underlying anxiety, guilt, or disconnection from your body's authentic responses.
[00:08:28] The Perfectionist Controller Similar to the performance manager but specifically focused on control, the perfectionist controller needs to know exactly what's going to happen when and how it gets anxious about spontaneity or unpredictability during sex, this part often developed in chaotic or unpredictable environments where control felt like survival. During sex, it might insist on certain positions, timing, or routines because deviation feels dangerous. The rebel Firefighter. This part reacts against all the other parts restrictions by doing the opposite of what feels safe or expected. The rebel might push for sexual experiences that don't actually feel good as a way of proving freedom from shame or control.
[00:09:14] The rebel often emerges when manager parts have been too restrictive, but its solutions can create new problems if it's pushing for connection or experiences that your authentic self doesn't actually want. The abandoned child. This exile part carries the terror of being left or rejected during sex. It might become clingy, needy, or desperate for reassurance, or it might push people away before they can leave. The abandoned child often learned early that being vulnerable led to abandonment. So sexual intimacy, the ultimate vulnerability, triggers all its protective strategies. Here's where it gets really messy. These parts don't just show up individually during sex. They often conflict with each other, creating internal battles that make sexual presence nearly impossible.
[00:10:04] Your exile parts might carry genuine desire for wild, passionate, uninhibited sexual expression. But your manager parts are convinced that being free would be dangerous, shameful, or too much for your partner to handle. So you end up in this exhausting internal tug of war. Part of you wants to let go completely, while another part of you is terrified of what would happen if you did. The result is often sexual experiences that feel controlled, performed, or half hearted. Your protective parts want to keep you safe from rejection, judgment or harm.
[00:10:39] But the very strategies that they use to protect you. Emotional walls, performance, hyper vigilance prevent the authentic connection your exile parts are craving. You end up in situations where you're having sex but not really connecting, where you're physically intimate but emotionally distant, where you're going through the motions but not accessing genuine pleasure. Your perfectionist parts want sexual encounters to go exactly as planned, while your more spontaneous parts want to follow the natural flow of desire and sensation. This creates internal tension that makes it hard to be present with what's actually happening. You might find yourself trying to force sexual experiences to match some predetermined idea while missing the actual pleasure and connection that's available in the moment. For neurodivergent folks, there's often a specific conflict between parts that have learned to mask and parts that want to be authentically themselves. Your masking parts might try to perform neurotypical sexuality, while your authentic parts are craving something completely different.
[00:11:43] This might show up as Forcing yourself to make normal eye contact when it feels overwhelming. Suppressing stimming that would actually help you stay present. Or trying to process sensory input in ways that don't match your nervous system.
[00:11:58] So how do you actually work with these parts during sexual encounters?
[00:12:02] It's not about getting rid of them. They all developed for good reasons. It's about developing conscious relationships with them so they don't hijack your sexual experiences. The check in Process before or during sexual encounters, you can do a quick internal check in what parts are present right now? What are they feeling? What do they need? This might sound like I notice my performance manager is getting activated. It's worried about whether I'm taking too long. Can I reassure this part that there's no timeline here?
[00:12:34] Or my hypervigilant protector is scanning my partner's face for signs that they're not enjoying this. Can I help this part relax by asking my partner directly how they're feeling? Speaking for your parts. Instead of being controlled by your parts, you can speak for them directly with your partner. This might sound like there's a part of me that's feeling self conscious right now. Can we slow down for a moment?
[00:12:59] Part of me is worried that I'm being too loud. Can you let me know if you like the sounds that I'm making? I have a part that gets nervous about trying new things. Can we talk through what we're going to do first?
[00:13:11] This approach honors your part's concerns while maintaining agency over your sexual experience. Reassuring Protective parts Many sexual parts are trying to protect vulnerable exile parts that were hurt in the past. You can often calm protective parts by directly addressing their concerns to the performance manager. You don't have to make this perfect. My partner is here because they want to be with me, not because I'm performing perfectly to the hypervigilant protector. I can see you're scanning for danger, but we can ask directly if we need information about how things are going to the people. Pleasing caretaker. My pleasure matters too.
[00:13:51] We can take care of my partner and still honor what I want. Creating space for exile parts the goal of working with protective parts is often to create enough safety for exile parts to emerge. The parts that carry your authentic desire, creativity and capacity for pleasure. This might involve reassuring protective parts enough that they step back slightly, allowing space for the parts of you that genuinely actually want to be here.
[00:14:19] The parts that are genuinely curious about pleasure and can be present without performing. Let me tell you about Rachel, whose journey with parts work completely transformed their sexual experience. Rachel came to me because they felt like they were watching themselves have sex rather than actually participating. They were technically present. Their body was responding, but they felt disconnected from their own pleasure and constantly worried about their performance.
[00:14:45] When we started exploring Rachel's internal landscape, we discovered a whole committee of parts running their sexual experiences. There was the performance manager, who had learned from early sexual experiences that being good at sex was how you kept partners interested. This part was constantly monitoring Rachel's performance and comparing it to porn or magazine articles.
[00:15:10] There was the hypervigilant protector, who carried the memory of a partner who had criticized Rachel's body and responses. This part was constantly scanning for signs of judgment or disappointment. There was the people pleasing caretaker, who had learned in childhood that their needs don't matter as much as keeping others happy. This part would agree to sexual activities that didn't feel good just to avoid disappointing their partner. And buried underneath and buried beneath all of these protective parts was an exile that carried Rachel's authentic sexual curiosity and desire. But this part had been locked away because expressing genuine desire had led to shame in their religious upbringing.
[00:15:53] The breakthrough came when Rachel started having conversations with these parts outside of sexual contexts. They would check in with their performance manager. What are you worried about? What would help you feel like we're safe enough to relax? Rachel practiced reassuring her hypervigilant protector. I can see you're watching for signs of judgment, but we can ask our partner directly how they're feeling. Instead of trying to read their mind, they worked with their people. Pleasing caretaker, your job isn't to manage our partner's emotions. We can take care of them and still honor our own desires. Most importantly, Rachel started creating space for their exile parts to emerge. They practiced asking, what do I actually want right now? Instead of what should I want? Or what would my partner prefer? The transformation wasn't immediate, but over time, Rachel's sexual experiences became dramatically different.
[00:16:46] Instead of feeling like they were performing sex, they started actually having sex. Instead of constantly monitoring their performance, they could be present with sensation and connection.
[00:16:57] Rachel learned that their parts weren't obstacles to good sex. They were intelligent responses to past experiences that needed understanding and integration, not elimination.
[00:17:08] Let's get even more specific about how to work with parts in common sexual situations that trigger internal conflicts.
[00:17:15] When you can't stop monitoring your performance, this usually means your performance manager has taken over the experience.
[00:17:22] Instead of fighting this part, get curious about what it's trying to protect.
[00:17:27] Try this internal dialog. Performance manager, I see you're working really hard to make sure this goes well. What Are you worried would happen if I stopped monitoring everything?
[00:17:38] Often you'll discover that this part is trying to prevent rejection, criticism, or abandonment.
[00:17:44] You can then reassure it. We can be present and connected without having to be perfect. Our partner is here because they want to be with us. When you feel disconnected during pleasure, this often happens when protective parts are blocking access to exile parts that carry your capacity for authentic pleasure. The protective parts might be convinced that genuine pleasure is dangerous, selfish, or shameful.
[00:18:11] Try speaking to these parts. I notice part of me is pulling away from pleasure. What are you trying to protect me from?
[00:18:18] Then work on creating enough internal safety for your pleasure carrying parts to emerge. It's safe to feel good. I'm allowed to experience pleasure without having to earn it or justify it. When you can't communicate what you want, this usually involves a conflict between parts that have genuine desires and parts that are terrified of being seen as demanding, weird, or too much. Much practice speaking for both parts. Part of me really wants to try something and another part is worried about asking for it. Can we talk about both of these feelings? This approach honors both your desires and your concerns without letting either part completely control the situation. When sexual intensity feels overwhelming, Sometimes protective parts get activated by sexual intensity because they've learned that losing control is dangerous. Instead of pushing through the overwhelm or work with these parts directly, I notice part of me is getting overwhelmed by this intensity. What would help this part feel safer? Right now? The answer might be slowing down, changing positions, taking breaks, or just acknowledging the parts concerns before continuing. Beyond working with individual parts during sexual encounters, you can create environments and agreements that support parts integration rather than triggering protective responses.
[00:19:39] Develop language with your partner that acknowledges internal complexity rather than assuming everyone is always unified in their desires. Instead of how are you feeling about this? Are there any parts of you that have concerns? Try. I'm noticing some shift in your energy. Are different parts of you showing up right now? This language normalizes internal complexity and creates space for parts to be acknowledged rather than hidden. Many sexual difficulties happen when protective parts get overwhelmed by too much intensity too quickly. Creating more gradual pacing allows parts to adjust and feel safer. This might mean spending more time in transition between daily life and sexual connection, checking in more frequently during encounters or allowing for pauses when parts need reassurance.
[00:20:29] Instead of expecting yourself to be uniformly enthusiastic about every sexual experience, create space for parts to have different feelings. Part of me is really excited about this, and another part of me is feeling nervous. Both of these feelings are okay. This reduces internal pressure to be perfectly consistent and allows for the natural complexity of human sexual response. As we wrap up today's exploration of parts, work and sexuality, here's what I want you to Internal complexity isn't a problem to solve. Its intelligence to integrate those different parts of you that show up during sex all develop for good reasons, and they all have valuable information about what you need to feel safe, connected, and genuinely present. Working with your parts during sexual encounters isn't about achieving some perfectly integrated state where you never have internal conflicts. It's about developing conscious relationships with these different aspects of yourself so they can collaborate instead of competing for control.
[00:21:30] Your protective parts aren't enemies of your sexuality. They're trying to keep you safe based on what they learned about your vulnerability in the past. When you can reassure these parts and create enough internal safety, your exile parts, the ones that carry your authentic desire and capacity for pleasure, have space to emerge.
[00:21:49] This work takes time and patience. Parts that have been protecting you for years won't immediately trust that things are different now. But as you practice having conscious relationships with your internal landscape, your sexual experiences can become expressions of your whole self rather than performances by select parts.
[00:22:08] This week, I invite you to try one practice of parts awareness during any intimate encounter. Maybe it's doing a quick internal check in before sexual activity.
[00:22:17] Maybe it's speaking for a part that's feeling activated. Maybe it's just noticing when different parts are present without trying to change anything. And if you haven't joined our free newsletter yet, head to untamedember.kit.com for free weekly resources delivered right to your inbox. Until next time, this is Dr. Misty with Untamed Ember, reminding you that all parts of you are welcome in your sexuality. The performers, the protectors, the the rebels, and the parts that just want to be loved exactly as they are. See you in the next episode.
