Episode Transcript
[00:00:07] It was 3am Again. My body was bone deep, exhausted, but my brain was doing the equivalent of shadow boxing in a haunted house.
[00:00:17] Every time I closed my eyes, something jolted me back awake. A random email I forgot to answer in 2019.
[00:00:24] The Ghost of a former therapist's bad advice, or the existential dread of whether I'd ever feel rested again.
[00:00:33] But here's the kicker. Nothing was wrong. I was warm, safe, snuggled in a bed with blackout curtains and weighted blankets and the whole damn sensory toolkit. And still my nervous system was like, nope, not today, Satan.
[00:00:49] So what do you do when your body can't sleep, even if you're finally safe?
[00:00:54] That's the question that keeps so many of us staring at the ceiling night after night. And it's exactly what we're diving into today.
[00:01:06] Hey, loves, welcome back to another episode of Untamed Ember where we talk about sex, shame, the nervous system, and why your ex probably wasn't emotionally safe to nap around. If that 3am scenario felt painfully familiar, you are not alone. You know the feeling when your eyes are burning, your muscles ache with exhaustion, and yet something deep in your body is screaming, but what if we just check blue sky one more time? Or mentally rehearse that conversation from 2017?
[00:01:39] Or suddenly remember we never responded to that email from three weeks ago? Or maybe you're on the flip side. You crash into bed and sleep for 10 hours straight, only to wake up feeling like you've been hit by an emotional freight train. Like you ran a marathon in dreams, body somehow more exhausted than before you closed your eyes. If you've experienced either of these, I want you to know something crucial. This isn't a sleep hygiene issue. It's not about screen time, caffeine, or whether you're using that fancy eye mask from Instagram. This is about a nervous system begging for a kind of safety it's never actually known. Welcome to today's episode on the wild and maddening paradox of feeling safe on paper, but not in your body. And how trauma, neurodivergence and fascia tension and our beautiful, chaotic nervous systems might be the reason sleep feels like a threat instead of a relief. I call it the polyvagal paradox, and understanding it might just revolutionize how you think about those sleepless nights.
[00:02:42] Let's get something clear right away. Sleep isn't just some neutral biological function that happens when you get tired enough. Sleep isn't a checkbox. It's not a productivity hack. Sleep is surrender. Sleep is vulnerability, a physiological and emotional surrender that requires your nervous system to believe on a primal level that you won't be eaten, attacked, abandoned, or humiliated while you're unconscious. And that's a big fucking ask for a nervous system that's been trained through trauma, through neurodivergence, through chronic stress to stay vigilant. Think about it. In what other context do we willingly become completely unaware of our surroundings for hours at a time? Sleep is the ultimate act of trust. And trust isn't something that comes easily to a body that's spent years or decades in survival mode. For many of us, especially those with trauma histories, stillness itself has never been safe. Stillness was when the yelling started.
[00:03:44] Stillness was when you got in trouble for spacing out.
[00:03:47] Stillness was when your body finally had space to panic because it could finally feel.
[00:03:53] If your body associates stillness with threat, it makes perfect sense that it fights against sleep. That tired but wired feeling isn't a personality quirk or a moral failing. It's not happening because you lack discipline or because you're addicted to your phone. It's your body doing exactly what it was taught. Sleep becomes a battleground between the part of you that's exhausted and the part of you that's still holding vigil. For my neurodivergent folks, this gets even more complicated. Many of us have naturally disrupted circadian rhythms. Our internal clocks run on different schedules than neurotypical society demands. Add in sensory processing differences where sheets feel like sandpaper or the slightest sound jolts you fully awake, and bedtime becomes a special kind of hell. And then there's the neurodivergent bedtime overthinking loop. You know, the one where your brain decides that the moment your head hits the pillow, it's the perfect time to replay every social interaction from the day and analyze where you have been. Weird. Remember all the things you forgot to do. Spiral into existential dread about climate change. Hyper focus on that one song lyric you can't quite remember. Here's the thing I want you to write on a Post it and stick to your bathroom mirror. Sleep isn't a reward for being good. It's not something you earn through perfect productivity or flawless bedtime routines. It's your body asking a fundamental question. Is it finally safe enough to disappear?
[00:05:22] And for many of us, the answer has been no for so long that our bodies don't even know how to recognize when it might finally be yes.
[00:05:36] So now that we've reframed how we think about sleep, let's dive deeper into neuroscience and why your body might resist rest even when you're desperate for it. We've talked before about the basics of polyvagal theory in previous episodes. Those are the three neural circuits that regulate our responses to the world.
[00:05:55] So if you haven't listened to our episode on polyvagal basics, you might want to pause and check that out first. But for those of you that are with me every episode who are already trauma nerds like me, let's go deeper this time. Let's talk about how these states specifically show up in the bedroom. And not in the fun way. When your sleep is disrupted, it's rarely random. It's your nervous system speaking its own language. And once you learn to decode it, your insomnia starts to make perfect sense. Let's start with sympathetic activation. What happens when your system gets stuck in hyperarousal right at bedtime?
[00:06:31] This often masquerades as classic insomnia. Racing thoughts, overanalyzing everything you said that day, compulsive planning for tomorrow, or that 2am doom scrolling that somehow feels urgent. Your sympathetic system is convinced it's on guard duty even when nothing's happening. And here's the key insight. It doesn't need an actual tiger in your bedroom. It just needs unresolved tension, uncertainty, or even one weirdly worded text message to keep you vigilant all night. While dorsal vagal shutdown, on the other hand, can look like crashing hard and waking up exhausted. You may sleep for 10 plus hours and still feel like you got hit by a truck made of emotional backlog. Your body goes into collapse as a last resort to preserve energy.
[00:07:16] But that's not restorative sleep. That's unconscious shutdown. It's your system's way of saying, if we can't fight or flee from this overwhelming experience, we'll just power down completely.
[00:07:28] Now here's the kicker that I don't think we talk about far enough. A lot of us toggle between both states, especially if we're neurodivergent. One night you're wired. The next night you're completely numb. Your body is trying everything it can to survive without ever trusting it can actually rest.
[00:07:46] This isn't inconsistency. It's your nervous system deploying every survival strategy it knows. And here's where it gets even sneakier. What I call false ventral. That's when your nervous system fakes calm people. Pleasing, masking, dissociating. But underneath, it's still buzzing with activation. You look chill on the outside, you've got your customer service smile nailed, but you're actually in Freeze mode with a pleasant mask on. This can show up in your sleep patterns too. You might fall asleep easily, but wake up in panic, tension or disorientation because your body never actually landed in genuine safety. All these disrupted sleep patterns trace back to one core truth. Genuine restorative sleep only happens from the ventral vagal state.
[00:08:32] Your body needs to feel safe enough to let go of vigilance, to surrender to vulnerability.
[00:08:37] What we're working towards isn't just sleep. It's co regulated rest. A state where your body doesn't just collapse from exhaustion, but truly exhales into safety. So next time you're staring at the ceiling at 3am or waking up from 12 hours of sleep still feeling drained, ask yourself, which nervous system state am I in right now? What is my body trying to protect me from by keeping me from truly resting?
[00:09:04] Because once you recognize the pattern, you can begin the work of expanding your capacity for genuine ventral vagal rest.
[00:09:14] Now that we understand how our polyvagal states directly impact our sleep patterns, let's explore another crucial framework of that helps explain why rest can feel so elusive. Let's talk about the size of your window. No, not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter. I mean your window of tolerance. The zone where your nervous system feels safe enough to function, rest, connect and not spontaneously combust over a weirdly phrased text. Your window of tolerance is essentially your nervous system's comfort zone, the range within which you can deal with stress without tipping into either hyperarousal, too much activation, or or hypoarousal, not enough activation. Here's what's fascinating. If you grew up with consistent emotional safety, your window is likely cathedral sized. You can move through stress, recover and fall asleep without your body putting up a fight. But if you've lived through trauma, chronic stress, neurodivergent burnout, or all three with a side of generational shame, your window might feel more like a doggy door. You keep getting stuck, bouncing between too much and too little with no Goldilocks zone in sight. When you're within your window, you can respond to life's challenges with flexibility.
[00:10:26] You can feel your emotions without being overwhelmed by them.
[00:10:30] You can think clearly and importantly, you can transition smoothly between wakefulness and sleep. But trauma, chronic stress and neurodivergence can all shrink this window dramatically. Instead of a wide, spacious range where you can roll with life's punches, you get a narrow tightrope where the slightest wobble sends you into dysregulation.
[00:10:52] This explains why sleep issues often come in two distinct flavors. Hyperarousal is the too much side of the window. This is where you can't fall asleep because your system is stuck on you're wired, tense, anxious. You feel like you should be tired, but your body is stuck in performance mode, replaying conversations, imagining worst case scenarios, wondering if your ex's new partner is hotter, and also into somatic therapy. This is classic sympathetic activation, your body preparing for danger that isn't actually present.
[00:11:23] Hypoarousal is the not enough side. You crash, you disappear. You sleep for 12 hours and wake up feeling like a reanimated corpse with a doctorate in dissociation. Your system is shutting down to survive, but that's not regulation, that's collapse. Your body has tipped into dorsal vagal shutdown, sleeping not as a restful choice, but as a collapse response to overwhelm. And here's the kicker. Neurodivergent bodies often toggle between these two states faster than a bad date can say, I just think people are too sick sensitive. These days we get misdiagnosed as insomniacs or lazy when really our bodies are just working overtime trying to navigate a world that never felt safe enough to sleep in. For my neurodivergent folks, trauma survivors and chronically overstimulated people, living outside the window of tolerance isn't occasional. It's practically a lifestyle between sensory processing differences, masked pain, and a lifetime of adapting to a world that wasn't built for us. Our nervous systems rarely get to experience that calm, regulated middle ground where sleep comes naturally. This shows up in your body in countless tension headaches that peak at bedtime, mysterious pain that intensifies when you finally lie down, restless legs that won't stop moving, hearts that suddenly pound when the lights go out, or waking up at exactly 3:17am every single night. Like your body has some kind of perverse alarm clock. And we haven't even talked about fascia yet, that incredible network of connective tissue throughout your body that literally holds the physical memory of tension and trauma. Don't worry, we're doing a whole episode on fascia next time, because tight bodies and relaxed brains simply cannot coexist. If your bedtime routine feels like emotional roulette, it's not because you suck at routines. It's because your nervous system is doing its best to protect you with a window that's been smudged, narrowed and weather worn by life. But here's the good news. Windows can expand.
[00:13:24] So I want you to take a moment and reflect. What does your body do when you try to be still?
[00:13:30] What sensations arise when you finally stop moving?
[00:13:33] What stories start playing in your mind when the distractions fall away?
[00:13:38] Because those aren't random, they're your nervous system speaking its truth. And learning to listen is the first step towards reclaiming your right to rest. All of these frameworks are helpful, but sometimes we understand best through stories. So let me shift gears and share how these nervous system patterns actually show up in real life. Let me share a story. Not mine this time, but one I hear variations of constantly in my work with clients and community members. Let's call her Maya. Maya has been dealing with what she thought was just insomnia. She was doing everything right. Sleep hygiene, routines that could put a wellness influencer to shame.
[00:14:15] No caffeine after noon, no screens before bed meditations. Lavender sprays, even one of those gadgets that play ambient whale noises.
[00:14:25] Still, every night, her body jolted awake around 2 or 3am her jaw was tight, her stomach clenched, her brain wide open like a browser with 47 tabs, all buffering trauma.
[00:14:37] She'd crashed hard on some nights and then wake up sweating.
[00:14:41] Other nights she couldn't fall asleep at all. She blamed herself for being bad at resting, which, newsflash isn't a thing. When Maya started working with me, we began to explore what was really happening beneath her sleep struggles. What we discovered together was Maya wasn't broken. Her nervous system was on high alert, doing what it learned to do, protecting her from danger. The problem wasn't the bedtime routine. It was the story her body was still carrying. That stillness wasn't safe, that sleep was vulnerable, that the moment she let go, something bad might happen.
[00:15:17] As we dug deeper, Maya remembered how as a kid, nighttime was when her parents fought the most. Her bedroom was right next to theirs, and the quieter she tried to be, the more she could hear.
[00:15:29] Sleep became associated with listening for warning signs, bracing for the next explosion.
[00:15:35] Her body learned that staying vigilant at night kept her emotionally safer than surrendering to sleep. And her fascia? That shit was clamped tighter than a TSA Ziploc bag. Her hips, her jaw, her upper back tangled in old patterns of holding. Her body wasn't resisting sleep. It was resisting collapse. It was saying, I don't want to go offline because I'm not sure what's waiting when I do. Sound familiar?
[00:16:02] This is what happens when your nervous system is stuck in a past timeline where rest was not safe. Maya's childhood experiences created a neurobiological pattern that her adult mind couldn't simply Logic away with knowledge about sleep hygiene. The turning point for Maya came when she stopped trying to force sleep and instead began listening to what her body was actually trying to tell her.
[00:16:25] We worked on creating genuine nervous system safety, not just the external trappings of it.
[00:16:31] We introduced practices that spoke directly to her body's fear of vulnerability, gradually expanding her capacity to rest without terror. This wasn't a quick fix. It was a slow, steady process of neural rewiring. But eventually, Maya's body began to recognize the difference between her childhood bedroom, where vigilance was necessary, and her current life, where it wasn't. She learned to identify her early warning signs of dysregulation and intervene before full blown insomnia took hold. Maya's story highlights something crucial. When conventional sleep approaches fail, it's rarely because you're not trying hard enough. It's because they're addressing the wrong problem.
[00:17:13] They're trying to optimize behavior. When what's needed is nervous system regulation.
[00:17:18] They're offering technical solutions to an emotional challenge.
[00:17:25] Now that we've explored both the science and the real world example, I want to address one of the most frustrating aspects of sleep struggles. Something that makes many people feel like they're failing when they're not. Here's the most maddening part of all of this. You can know you're safe. You can want to rest. You can light a $40 candle, put your phone in the other room, and tuck yourself into bed like a little nest. And your body still will not let go because your nervous system doesn't speak logic, it speaks sensation.
[00:17:58] It doesn't care that your therapist said you're making progress. It doesn't care about your detailed list of reasons why you should be able to sleep right now.
[00:18:06] It cares whether your heart rate drops when you close your eyes. It cares whether your breath softens when you exhale. It cares whether you feel safe, not whether you've told yourself you should be.
[00:18:19] This is where we need to challenge one of the most frustrating myths about sleep and anxiety. The idea that if you just rationally know you're safe, your body should be able to relax and sleep. How many times have you laid awake at night telling yourself, I'm fine, everything's fine, my doors are locked, no one is actively trying to hurt me, why can't I just sleep? The problem is your rational brain isn't in charge of your safety assessments. That job belongs to your neuroception, your nervous system's automatic safety scanner. It's scanning for tone of voice, posture, facial expression, light Levels, temperature, gut instinct. It's ancient, it's brilliant, and it's a little paranoid. Neuroception operates based on pattern recognition from your entire life history, with a heavy emphasis on your earliest experiences of safety and danger. Especially if your body learned over time that stillness equals punishment or abandonment or helplessness or harm. This is why you can be in the safest possible environment. Secure home, loving partner beside you, all needs met. And still feel like you're about to be eaten by a tiger the moment you try to close your eyes. That means even if you're finally in a soft, warm bed, away from chaos, away from danger, your fascia might still be bracing, your jaw might still be clenched, your gut might still be clutched tight like it's expecting the worst.
[00:19:43] Because your body doesn't trust safety. That came too late for those of us with trauma histories. Our neuroception systems have been calibrated to detect threat everywhere. Our nervous systems learned early and deeply that letting down our guards leads to pain. That stillness is when the bad things happen. That vulnerability equals danger. If you grew up in an environment where you weren't safe while sleeping, whether that meant actual physical threats, emotional unpredictability, or even just a subtle message that your needs were inconvenient, your nervous system built protection around sleep itself. For neurodivergent folks, this gets even more complex. Many of us experienced our earliest traumas precisely because of our neurodivergence. Being punished for stimming, shamed for sensory needs, forced to mask natural responses. Our bodies learned that being our authentic selves wasn't safe. And sleep requires a level of authenticity that feels terrifying.
[00:20:40] And that's not dysfunction. That's wisdom. That hasn't been updated yet. So I want you to hear this clearly. You can know you're safe and still feel like a tiger's about to eat your face.
[00:20:52] That's not irrational. That's pattern recognition with receipts. That's your nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you alive.
[00:21:01] The path forward isn't about cognitively convincing yourself you're safe. It's not about bullying your body into behaving. It's about gradually teaching your nervous system through consistent, embodied experiences, what safety actually feels like. It's about slowly, gently, consistently showing your body that this moment isn't. Then you can exhale here, and it might take a hundred nights for your nervous system to believe you.
[00:21:29] But that doesn't mean you're failing. It means your body is healing in real time.
[00:21:36] So now that we understand why conventional sleep advice often fails. Let's talk about what actually works. It's time for the practical part that you can start implementing tonight. Most sleep advice out there assumes your body is a well regulated houseplant that just needs less screen time and more chamomile. But if your nervous system is constantly riding the line between panic and numbness, you need more than melatonin gummies and a no phone in bed rule. You need tools that work with your biology, not against it. This brings us to the practical part. Those small but mighty practices that can begin shifting your nervous system towards safety, gradually expanding your capacity for rest.
[00:22:17] I'm not going to give you a list of sleep hygiene tips. You've tried those. If they worked, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast at 2am Instead, here are a few ways to gently reintroduce your body to the idea that rest doesn't mean danger. Weighted blankets Compression sheets, Tight hugs, Burrito Wrapping yourself in your comforter like a sad but healing sushi roll Deep pressure is magic for the nervous system, especially for neurodivergent folks. It activates the ventral vagal state by giving your body clear, consistent input. That says we are held if a weighted blanket doesn't work for you. And for some sensory profiles, they're absolute torture. Experiment with tight fitting pajamas or being the little spoon in a hug, or even just pressing your hands firmly against your body. Try rocking or rhythmic movement. Yeah, like babies, but also like grown ass adults who are trying not to unravel. Rocking is one of our most primal soothing mechanisms. There's a reason we instinctively rock rock babies to sleep. Try gentle rocking in a chair before bed, subtle swaying while standing or small rhythmic movements while already laying down. This activates your vestibular system in a way that can down regulate sympathetic activation and remind your body you are not stuck.
[00:23:37] Yoga nidra or Non Sleep Deep Rest. That's what's called nsdr Non Sleep Deep rest, which means even if your body can't sleep, you can still rest your system. These are guided meditative practices where you're not trying to fall asleep, but rather deliberately experiencing the sensation of deep rest while remaining conscious. It's guided, accessible and there's zero pressure to drift off. You're just lying down, being spoken to gently and letting your nervous system uncoil at its own pace. This can be a bridge for nervous systems that find the sleep transition too threatening. You're teaching your body that rest is safe while skipping the vulnerability of actual sleep. Bedtime Body check ins Body scan journaling is another Approach that honors both the physical and emotional dimensions of sleep struggles. Instead of forcing yourself into stillness, try asking your body directly, where am I holding? What am I avoiding feeling?
[00:24:37] What would feel like a yes right now? Heat, pressure curling into a ball. Take a few minutes to scan your body from head to toe. Notice where you're holding tension and write down what you discover. Then ask those tense areas, what are you trying to tell me? What do you need? No judgment, just information.
[00:24:57] The answers might surprise you. Sensory rituals that actually work for you for neurodivergent folks especially, creating embodied transitional rituals can be transformative.
[00:25:08] Your brain might need clearer signals that it's time to shift states. Forget the aesthetic. What feels safe, not what feels Instagrammable. Maybe it's scent. Lavender or frankincense. Maybe it's flannel sheets. Maybe it's that one pair of socks that has absolutely no toe seam. Build a ritual that soothes your particular sensory profile, not what some sleep blog says you should do for addressing the physical tension that often prevents sleep. Gentle somatic movement practices can be more effective than stretching.
[00:25:41] Instead of forcing tight muscles to stretch, which can actually trigger more protective tension, try small, explorative movements that give your nervous system new information about safety in your body. And perhaps most importantly, lower your damn expectations around sleep. Let it be imperfect. Let your sleep be weird. Let your rest be interrupted.
[00:26:05] Let your bedtime routine be built on consent with your own body, not compliance with someone else's checklist. Your rest doesn't need to be Pinterest perfect. It doesn't need to be eight uninterrupted hours of blissful unconsciousness. It needs to be possible. Maybe that means 20 minute naps throughout the day. Maybe it means lying in bed listening to audiobooks when sleep won't come. Maybe it means redefining rest entirely for your unique nervous system. Remember, the goal isn't to force sleep. The goal isn't perfect sleep. It's nervous system trust. It's creating conditions where sleep becomes possible. Where your nervous system gradually learns that vulnerability isn't automatically dangerous. Where rest becomes an act of radical self trust rather than an exhausting battle.
[00:26:56] As we bring our exploration of sleep in the nervous system to a close, I want to leave you with some final thoughts about this journey toward reclaiming rest. Your sleep struggles are not a moral failure. They're not a sign of weakness or a lack of discipline. They're not even a sleep problem, really. They're a brilliant, adaptive response from your nervous system that's been working overtime to keep you safe. The path toward reclaiming rest isn't about forcing your body into submission. It's about creating a relationship with your nervous system based on understanding, compassion and genuine safety. Not just the intellectual idea of safety, but the embodied experience of it. This journey looks different for everyone. There's no five step program that works for all nervous systems, all trauma histories, all neurodivergent profiles. But there is a universal truth, and at the center, your body wants to rest beneath the layers of protection. Beyond the hypervigilance and the collapse, your system's deepest wish is to experience the restoration that comes with genuine safe surrender.
[00:28:02] Next time, we're diving deeper into this territory with an episode on fascia flashbacks and the body's bedtime stories, AKA why your hip flexors are holding your abandonment issues like a grudge. I can't wait to unpack how the physical structure of your body might be keeping you locked in sleep resistant patterns. Until then, I invite you to approach your next bedtime not as a battle to be won, but as a conversation to be had. A gentle, curious dialogue with a nervous system that's done its absolute best to protect you, even when that protection comes at the cost of rest.
[00:28:37] And for those of you who are embervault members, don't forget to grab this week's worksheet, the Sleep Safety Map, where we'll build a personalized nervous system regulation plan specifically for sleep. The worksheet walks you through identifying your unique dysregulation patterns, creating a sensory inventory for what helps your particular nervous system feel safe, and developing a step by step protocol for those nights when your body is fighting rest. You'll also find journaling prompts to help you uncover what specific memories or experiences might be driving your sleep struggle.
[00:29:12] It's waiting for you right now@untamed ember.com this is Dr. Misty with Untamed Ember, reminding you that your struggle to rest isn't evidence of brokenness. It's proof of how brilliantly your body has protected you. And now, together, we're learning a new kind of safety. See you next episode.
