What Actually Turns You On?

[00:00:00] Yep, of course. [00:00:02] First episode ever and I'm doing this with a raging cold. [00:00:20] Hey there and welcome to Untamed Ember, the podcast where we unlearn the scripts, reclaim our pleasure, and get radically curious about desire. I'm Dr. Misty, and today we're talking about something that might seem simple on the surface, but is actually way more complicated than most of us realize. What actually turns you on? Because here's the thing, so many of us walk around with a pleasure blueprint that's not even ours. It's been shaped by culture, media, past partners, family dynamics, religious backgrounds, maybe even those outdated Cosmo articles from the early 2000s. But have we ever really paused to ask, do I actually like this or do I just think I should? So let's break that down and talk about how you can start exploring your true turn ons without judgment. [00:01:19] Let's start with some societal bs. Our desires are influenced by so much more than just personal preference. In fact, we are socially constructed to not even question a lot of our desires because of our outside influences on us. From the moment we start forming ideas about sexuality, we absorb messages about what is sexy, what's acceptable, what's too much, what's off limits. Some of these influence come from a variety of sources, so we're going to break that down. Media and pop culture is a big one. Think romance novels, movies, music videos, news, celebrity gossip, and definitely porn. They create this highlight reel of what desire should look like, often leaving little room for what it actually feels like. [00:02:03] We live much of our early development years not even realizing that we can question our likes and dislikes when it comes to desire. It may not even occur to someone that they could be something other than monogamous, for example, if they're raised in a culture that is solely focused on monogamous relationships, past experiences and partners is another big influencer of our desires. Maybe a previous partner loved a certain thing so you convinced yourself you did too. This is especially an issue that occurs for afabs humans because we are often socially expected to meet male partners desires at all costs to ourselves. So if you are in a relationship right now, it may be a great time for you to check in with yourself about whether there are any sexy time roles that you don't actually love. And maybe consider how you can make space for yourself to explore your own desires within sex. [00:02:54] Another big influencer, and the one that irks my nerves the most, is social conditioning messages like men are always supposed to want sex or women should love being pursued. These scripts can be so Embedded in our thinking that we don't even realize they're shaping our preferences. In fact, these messages are ancient to our social constructs. If you really think about a lot of the common social messages we're given about sex, it's easy to find the themes of historical trauma, objectifying certain groups of human foreign. [00:03:36] But here's the good news. Pleasure isn't fixed, and you can make changes for yourself. You can unlearn, explore, and create a pleasure map that actually reflects you in an authentic way that meets your sexual desires and needs. One of the most fascinating things about turn ons is that they're not set in stone. Desire is fluid and highly contextual. What turns you on isn't just about the act itself. It's about the setting, the mood and atmosphere, your emotional state, and even your sensory preferences. Let's nerd out on science for a minute. Neuroscience backs this up. Our brains create associations between arousal and different stimuli, Sometimes through direct experience, and sometimes through things as simple as exposure. A study in the archives of sexual behavior published that men and women are both able to develop conditioned sexual arousal responses to previously neutral stimuli when they're paired with erotic content. So just by simply exposing a person repeatedly, that person may develop a preference for something. This is why some people can be turned on by a scent, a voice, or even a specific power dynamic. So you want to set the mood for yourself. Think of all your sensory preferences to get your brain in that sexy space. Ever at a moment where something you didn't expect suddenly felt hot. Maybe you always thought you were into one thing, but then a new context made you realize, oh, wait, that doesn't actually do anything for me. That's your brain making new connections, and it's totally cool and totally amazing. Exploring turn ons doesn't mean you have to act on everything, but it does mean giving yourself permission to be curious. [00:05:23] If you're listening to this and thinking, okay, I want to figure this out, but where do I even start? I got you. Here are three ways to start exploring your turn ons in a way that feels fun, safe, and pressure free. Number one, get curious about what already works for you. Think about moments where you felt the most turned on. What was happening. Not just the act itself, but the context. Were you feeling playful? Was there a certain kind of touch, A dynamic at play? Sometimes our biggest clues are already there. We just haven't named them yet. [00:05:54] Number two, try the pleasure audit exercise. This is one of my favorite ways to map desire. Grab a journal. Or if you're a Patreon subscriber, you can get access to our exclusive worksheets customized for each episode. Then you'll want to list five things you've been curious about but never explored. Rank them from mildly intrigued to Hell yes, but I don't know why. Now ask. What about this intrigues me? The power dynamic. The the sensory experience. The psychological aspect. This helps you understand why something excites you instead of just labeling it hot or not. Number three Give yourself permission to play. Exploring turn ons doesn't mean you have to dive headfirst into something extreme. It can start with small tweaks, changing the pace, the setting, the sensory input. Try something different with solo pleasure, or introduce a playful conversation with a partner. The goal isn't to perform, it's to discover. So here's your invitation for the week. Get curious about what actually turns you on. Not what you were told should be sexy. Not what someone else wanted you to like you. Just you. If you want to dive even deeper into this, I just wrote a full piece on exploring your desires without shame over on Medium. You can check that link out in the transcript. And if you wanted to go even further inside Untamed Ember we're having these conversations every day. Unpacking desire, unlearning shame, and expanding pleasure. Come join us at Untamed Ember. The link is in the transcript. I'd love to have you in our community. We're new around here and just starting out, so it's a really exciting time to get involved as we begin to build an amazing and inclusive community. And you can follow us on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube too. Take a look at our link in bio in the transcript for all of our socials. And if you want exclusive access to our worksheets and exercises we've mentioned here in the episode, come check out our Patreon. Want to send me your suggestions or thoughts? Send them to hello at untamedember. Com. I'd love to hear from you. Until next time, stay curious, stay bold, and keep your fire burning.