What If Your Turn-Ons Change Over Time?

[00:00:00] Hey there and welcome back to Untamed Ember, the podcast where we unlearn the scripts, reclaim our pleasure, and embrace the ever evolving nature of Desire. I'm Dr. Misty, and today we're talking about something that so many people experience but rarely discuss. What if your turn ons change over time? [00:00:30] If you've ever noticed that something that once got you hot and bothered now barely sparks your interest, or vice versa, something unexpected suddenly turns you on. You're not alone. It's fluid, dynamic and shaped by experience, personal growth, and even changing life circumstances. So today we're diving into why this happens, how to embrace it instead of fearing it, and ways to explore your evolving desires with curiosity instead of judgment. One of the biggest myths about desire is that it's static, that if you like something, you'll always like it. Or if you're not into something now, you never will be. But in reality, desire is deeply influenced by context. [00:01:23] Okay, it's time to nerd out on science. Understanding that sexual desire is dynamic and influenced by various factors is crucial for fostering healthy and satisfying intimate relationships. Let's delve into some key elements that shape our evolving turn ons. Firstly, life stages and experiences. What turned you on at 22 may not feel the same at 35, and that's pretty common. Personal growth, relationships, and even stress levels affect arousal. Sexual desire is not static. It evolves as individuals progress through different life stages. Research indicates that sexual behaviors and interests can change over time due to personal growth, relationship dynamics, and stress levels. For instance, a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that marital satisfaction and sexual frequency often decrease over time, highlighting the impacts of life stages on sexual desire. Another key element that shape our turn ons is exposure and exploration. Sometimes discovering a new experience, fantasy or dynamic can spark interest in in things you never even considered before. Exposure to new experiences, fantasies or dynamics can ignite interests previously unexplored. The concept of erotic plasticity suggests that individuals, especially women and AFAB humans, may experience changes in sexual preferences and behaviors in response to socio cultural and situational factors. This adaptability underscores the potential for desires to evolve with with new exposures. Another big factor is hormonal and physical changes. Fluctuations in hormones, aging, pregnancy, menopause, or even just shifts in routine can change what feels good. Fluctuations in hormones due to aging, pregnancy, menopause or lifestyle changes can significantly influence sexual desire. For example, testosterone levels, which play a role in libido for all genders, naturally decline with age, potentially leading to a decreased sexual desire. Physical health conditions and medications can impact hormonal balance too, further affecting the libido and finally, another key factor that can shape our turn ons are emotional and mental shifts. How safe, confident or emotionally connected you feel plays a massive role in what turns you on. [00:03:46] Sometimes healing from trauma or stepping into self acceptance unlocks new desires. Emotional well being and mental health are deeply intertwined with sexual desire. Feelings of safety, confidence and emotional connection can enhance libido, while stress, anxiety or depression may diminish it. A study highlighted in Health.com emphasizes that managing stress and addressing mental health concerns are vital for maintaining a healthy sex drive. Understanding that desire is a moving target means we don't have to panic when it shifts. We can see it as a chance to get to know ourselves all over again. For a lot of people, realizing that their turn ons have changed can bring up fear, confusion, or even shame. Maybe you're wondering what does it mean if I used to love something, but now I don't? Why does something that used to feel neutral suddenly excite me? Does this mean something is wrong with me? [00:04:39] The answer Nothing is wrong with you. Desire is deeply personal and as you grow, change and expand, your pleasure map does too. A big reason why people fear changing desires is the press pressure to be consistent. We're taught that if we say we like something, we have to always like it or that preference should be fixed. But that's just not how humans work. Instead of resisting change, what if we leaned into it with curiosity? [00:05:19] If your desires have changed and you're not sure how to navigate it, here are three ways to explore without judgment. Number one, Reflect on what feels different. [00:05:30] Instead of judging the shift, get curious. What about this change stands out to you? Is it the sensory experience? The emotional aspect? The context? Exploring the why behind the shift can help make sense of it. Number two Try a desire inventory. Make a list of these things. Things that have always turned you on, things that used to turn you on, but they don't anymore, and new things that you're curious about. [00:05:59] Seeing your evolving turn ons written down can help you recognize patterns and explore without judgment. For our Patreon subscribers, we have a really cool worksheet for creating your desire inventory. So head on over there and download yours. And number three, give yourself permission to experiment. [00:06:16] Exploring evolving desires doesn't mean you have to commit to something forever. Try small, no pressure Ways to explore. Read about it Fantasizing Trying a low stakes version Desire is a journey, not a destination. [00:06:41] So here's your takeaway for this week. Desire isn't a static thing, it's a living, breathing part of you. Instead of fearing change, what if you allowed yourself to be curious about it? [00:06:53] If you want to dive deeper, I just wrote a full piece on exploring desire without shame over on Medium. Check out the link in the transcript and if you want a space to explore evolving desires with support inside Untamed Ember. We're having these conversations daily, breaking down shame, embracing curiosity and reclaiming pleasure. Come join us at Untamed Ember. The link is in the transcript. I'd love to have you there. We're also on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and TikTok so you can find us there under Untamed Ember. Our link in bio is in the transcripts for all of our socials. And if you want exclusive access to our worksheets and exercises we mentioned here in the episode, come check out our Patreon. [00:07:36] Until next time, stay curious, stay open and keep your fire burning.