[00:00:00] Foreign. [00:00:11] Welcome back to the Untamed Amber podcast. I am so glad you're here. If you've been tuning in and taking this journey with me over the last few weeks, I hope you felt just a little more permission to want what you want, a little more room to breathe, and maybe even a few sparks of pleasure along the way. And if you're brand new, hi, I'm Dr. Misty. I'm a certified sex therapist and the founder of Untamed Ember, where we explore radical self discovery, pleasure reclamation, and the joyful, sometimes messy process of unlearning the stuff that keeps us small. This podcast is where we get real about sexuality, shame, desire, trauma, body connection, kink, neurodivergence, all of it. And we do it with a little science, a little sass, and a whole lot of curiosity. Today we are diving into a big one. The myth of earned pleasure. You know the one? I'll rest when I finish this. I'll feel good later. I just need one more thing checked off my list. Yep, that one. We're going to unpack where that voice comes from, how it's showing up in your nervous system and in your daily rhythm, and what you can do to stop postponing your joy. Because pleasure is not a reward. It is your damn birthright. [00:01:40] So let's talk about one of the most toxic stories so many of us were handed. And that's this idea that pleasure has to be earned. You know the script, right? I'll rest after I finish this. I'll enjoy something once I catch up. I don't have the time to slow down right now. I just need to push through. Does that sound familiar? Yep. We've all been there. Me too. This myth runs deep. And it's not just personal, it's cultural. It comes from hustle culture, from capitalism, fempurity culture, and gender. Scripts that tell us to be small, productive, polite, and self sacrificing. We've been taught that rest is a reward and pleasure is indulgent, not something your body actually needs. But here's the thing. Your nervous system, it does not operate on guilt based timelines. It doesn't care if your inbox is at zero. It doesn't care if you hit every checkbox on your planner. It just knows whether or not it's regulated. And pleasure is a key part of that regulation. Here's the thing. Even as a sex therapist, someone who teaches people every day how to listen to their bodies, to honor their desires and arrest and regulate, I still fall into the same trap. I can't tell you how many days I've planned to take a pleasure based break. I'll look at my calendar and I'll go, okay. I'll step away between sessions. I'll stretch, breathe, move, maybe even light a candle. And then life, chaos. Time collapses. Suddenly it's 4pm and I haven't even stood up from my desk and my body is buzzing with client energy. My brain is super fried and I'm already spiraling into the next thing and I know what I need. I know that if I just gave myself five minutes minutes, I'd feel more grounded, more connected, more human. But sometimes I skip it anyway. Not because I don't believe in it and not because I'm lazy, but because that old voice creeps in. Just get through it. Be productive. You can rest later. Except that later never comes. And by the time I could rest, I'm too depleted to enjoy any of it. Too numb to connect, too disconnected to want touch or pleasure or even softness. It's that weird moment where the day is technically over but your body's still in this go mode and your brain feels like a marshmallow. Do you ever have that where you finally sit down and then it feels like you don't even know what you want anymore? I hate that moment. Because it's not just exhaustion. It's a signal, a message from my body saying, hey, you skipped me again. And I'm practicing. Not perfectly, but intentionally showing up for myself in those tiny moments. I'm learning that I don't need to earn five minutes of slowness. I don't need to justify why I want to feel good. I just need to decide that I'm worth that pause. [00:04:39] So what actually happens when we keep pushing pleasure to the side? When we treat it like a bonus, something that maybe we'll get to after everything else? Your body, it shuts down your nervous system. It stops trusting you and your sense of connection to yourself and to your desires. And your turn on it all starts to fade. You start to feel numb. Not always dramatically, but subtly. Things don't taste as good. Touch doesn't register the same way. You scroll through pleasure ideas that should sound exciting and feel absolutely nothing. That numbness, that's not a flaw. It's a survival response. Your body is saying, if you're not going to give me consistent moments of safety and joy, I'll stop asking. And it gets even trickier when you do give yourself something good. A break, A moment of softness, a hot bath, deep breath, a sexy thought. And instead of Relaxing into it. You pull away, you get distracted. You check your phone, tense up, suddenly feel like it's too much. That right there, that's the pleasure ceiling. It's this invisible limit your nervous system has for how much goodness it believes you're allowed to feel. And when you hit it, your body says, okay, too good. Let's shut it down before it becomes dangerous. Not because you're broken, but because you were taught somewhere along the way that joy is suspicious, that ease is indulgent, that pleasure has a price. If that's resonating, you are so not alone. This is one of the most common things I see in my work. Especially with neurodivergent folks, survivors, perfectionists, and high functioning overachievers. We know how to push through. We don't always know how to receive the good news. That ceiling isn't permanent. It can stretch, it can soften. And it starts with these tiny moments of practicing pleasure on purpose. Not because you've earned it, but because you're alive and you're allowed to feel good right now. So let's talk about what it looks like to actually practice pleasure. Not as a reward, but as a daily rhythm. Because most of us aren't taught how to just let ourselves feel good. We know how to schedule, how to push, how to produce. But receive, Whew. That's a whole skill set. And like any skill, it takes practice. So here's what I want to offer. Not a perfect routine, not a one size fits all pleasure ritual, but a menu of micro pleasures. Tiny sensory rich moments you can choose from throughout your day to help your nervous system feel alive and safe. So first, let's start with some morning pleasure moments. Here's some things you can try in the morning, right as soon as you wake up, before you even get out of bed, before you touch your phone, try to touch your body. A slow hand on your chest, A soft sweep over your skin. [00:07:37] No performance, just presence. This doesn't have to be sexy at all. Another thing to try. You can try to scent your morning. Try an essential oil or some kind of a favorite perfume. Some scent that really gets you going, makes you really happy and feel joy. You can put it on your wrist, breathe it in, just make it intentional. And a third one. Maybe try putting on some music that makes you feel like a whole experience. And then midday, somewhere in the afternoon, maybe at lunchtime, let's try a pleasure reset. Step outside and feel the air on your skin. Real air, not recycled stress air. And another thing you can try, do a Two minute sensual stretch. Just feel it all through your body. Stretching like a cat does, not like a yogi. You don't have to do this. Perfect. Feel it from the inside and just stretch everything out. And a third one. This is one that I love. Lay on the floor and hum that hum. It stimulates your vagus nerve. And also it just feels really good. And then in the evening, it's time for some reconnection time. So instead of collapsing into your couch, try changing into something that makes your body say yes. Soft fabric, bare skin. Something sensory. Another thing you can try to do in the evening, slow down one part of your evening. When you're eating, when you're showering, even if you're scrolling, you can do this with pleasure. And a third thing you can try ask your body what would feel good right now? Just let the answer be enough. Now, if you really want to dive deeper into this work, I created a companion worksheet for you this week. It's called Build you'd Daily Pleasure Ritual and it'll guide you through choosing one pleasure based anchor for morning, midday and evening, mapping your current guilt patterns around pleasure. There's a mini journaling section called Pleasure Without Performance. Plus there's a printable menu of sensory rituals to spark new ideas. So if you're feeling called to explore this more intentionally and want to structure to hold on to while you do, head over to the Untamed Ember site and grab this week's worksheet. Remember, you don't have to do this perfectly. You just have to start showing up for yourself in ways that say, I'm worthy of feeling good now, not someday today. [00:09:57] So, my loves, here is the truth. If you've ever felt guilty just for feeling good, if you've ever paused in the middle of a stretch or a touch or a moment of softness and thought, do I really deserve this? That guilt, that is not yours. It's inherited. It's internalized. It's taught. We've been conditioned to believe that pleasure is something we have to earn, that we have to perform goodness before we can receive softness. That we have to work ourselves to the bone before we're allowed to rest. But I am here to remind you that's not your truth. It never was. You're allowed to feel good because you exist. You are worthy of pleasure in the middle of your chaos, in the mess, in the burnout, in the in between. Not someday. Not when you've checked all the boxes right now. So here's your invitation. This week, choose one moment where you put pleasure first. Just one moment where you say, I don't need to earn this, I get to have this. You can even whisper it to yourself while you do it. Say it out loud. I'm allowed to feel good. And if this episode landed for you, if you want more of this work, more rituals, more permission slips and spicy science, I've got two places you can go. You can join the Ember Society inside our private community where we go deeper into weekly themes like this one with reflection prompts, sensory based challenges, podcast extras, live workshops, and a community space where you can talk about your pleasure without fear of censorship or shame. Join us @members untamed ember.com we're just new, so we're getting started and we're building up new members right now. And don't forget, if you're not already subscribed, make sure to follow the Untamed Ember podcast wherever you listen. And share this podcast with someone you love who deserves to stop waiting for pleasure too. You never had to earn it, and you're not too late to reclaim it now with so much love. I'm Dr. Misty and I'll see you in the next episode.