[00:00:00] Foreign. [00:00:11] Welcome back to the Untamed Ember podcast. I am so glad you're here. If you're new, I'm Dr. Misty, a sex certified sex therapist and founder of Untamed Ember, where we explore pleasure, unlearning body connection, and the spicy, often awkward, always radical work of reclaiming desire on your own terms. And today we're talking about something I know you felt at some point, that moment when things start to feel really good, maybe even too good, and suddenly you pull away, you get distracted, you shut it down, you fidget, you check your phone, you feel guilty, you leave the moment, sometimes before it even fully arrived. This episode is all about why that happens. Why our nervous systems, our br. In our condition patterns, sometimes can't tolerate sustained pleasure, and how we can start to change that. Because learning to stay with pleasure, without guilt, without shame, without rushing to escape, is one of the most powerful things you can do to reconnect with yourself. And you don't need to push harder. You don't need to be better at receiving. You just need to build capacity little by little, day by day. So if you've ever wondered, why do I shut down when it feels good? Or why do I pull away when I'm finally relaxed, connected and turned on, then, babe, this episode is 100% for you. Let's get into it. [00:01:49] If you listen to episode five this week, you might have heard me mention the pleasure ceiling. So let's start here. What exactly is the pleasure ceiling? I use that term to describe an internal limit. It's a subconscious threshold your brain and your nervous system have set around how much pleasure, joy, intimacy, or even ease you're allowed to feel before it becomes way too much. It's that moment when something starts to feel really good, emotionally, sensually, spiritually. And instead of relaxing into it, your body starts to tense, your brain gets loud, you fidget, you distract yourself, you pull away and you shut down. And often you don't even know why. [00:02:33] This happens all the time. It's not because you're broken. It's because your nervous system is trying to protect you from unfamiliar territory. See, your body wants to keep you in the zone that feels safe and predictable. Even if that safe space is full of stress, guilt, overthinking or self denial. It's what's familiar, so it wants to stay there. It's what we call functional discomfort. Your body is so used to stress, burnout and chaos. But pleasure, sustained softness, being held, being seen, being vulnerable, that might feel dangerous, too vulnerable. Or like the calm before the storm, right before the shoe drops. And so you hit that invisible ceiling. The sensation builds, the connection deepens. And your system says, whoop, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is too good. We can't do this. Something must be wrong. And just like that, pop, you're out of the moment, back in your head, disconnected. If that's happened to you, especially in intimacy, during sex, in rest, in creativity, in self, pleasure. You are so not alone. I see it with clients. I feel it in myself sometimes. And once you notice it, it's like, damn, I do this a lot. But here's the good news. That ceiling, it's not permanent. It's not fixed, and it's not your fault. It's just a set point. It's a story. It's a survival response. And it can be stretched. So let's talk about how it shows up in everyday life. Because once you can spot it, you can start to shift it. [00:04:18] So how do you know if you've hit your pleasure ceiling? Sometimes it's obvious. Like you're in the middle of something that feels really good and suddenly you just feel this urge to bail. But often it's way more subtle. So let's name a few signs. Because once you recognize your pattern, you can start to work with it instead of letting it run the show. So here's how it might show up. You finally sit down to rest and feel restless. You start scrolling, fidgeting, cleaning, moving around in your chair. You're receiving touch, intimate or not. And you feel your body tense instead of soften. How about this one? Something kind is said to you, a compliment. And then you immediately deflect it or you make a joke. You get a moment of unexpected quiet. And instead of savoring it, you feel uneasy or like you need to earn it by being productive. You feel good, but your brain whispers, don't get used to this. Here's your favorite one. You stop doing the thing that feels good the second it starts to work. This is the ceiling at work. It's not you failing. It's your nervous system hitting its edge and saying, we don't know how to feel this good for this long. And that's okay, because you can learn. If you're curious to explore your own pleasure ceiling, I made a guided worksheet just for you for this episode. This one is called stretching your pleasure ceiling. Inside, you'll find a reflective map to help you spot your patterns. A body based check in guide to notice where pleasure tension shows up. Common shutdown scripts and how to reframe Them and three micro practices to gently stretch your capacity for feeling good without guilt. You can download it right now over at Untamed Ember. It's trauma informed, low pressure, and totally designed for you. If you've ever said, why do I always pull away when things finally feel good? [00:06:20] All right, so I want to share something a little personal here because I know how easy it is to intellectually understand pleasure but still struggle to stay in it. So there was a time in my life, honestly, for years, where I could enjoy sex up to a point. And then right when things were building, when pleasure started to feel more intense, I would find myself disconnecting. My body would be there, but my brain would suddenly feel far away. I'd go quiet, numb out, not even know what was happening until afterwards. And the worst part, it didn't feel dramatic. It didn't feel like trauma. It just fizzled out. I could enjoy sex, I could be into it, but I could never actually have an orgasm during partnered sex. So I did what a lot of people do, and I faked it. Not because I wanted to lie, not because I didn't care, but because I felt so much self consciousness about what my body wasn't doing. I thought maybe if I just played along, I'd still feel close, I'd still feel sexy, and I'd still feel like enough. But underneath it all, I was carrying this quiet fear that something was wrong with me or that I just didn't work like other people, or that maybe I'd never actually get to experience what I intellectually knew was possible. It wasn't until much later in my journey, and honestly, not until I was with my current partner, that I started to feel safe enough to explore that and to slow down, to stay with the pleasure when it started to build, to name out loud what was happening without shame and get that support from my partner, and to be witnessed without needing to perform. And y'all, when I tell you that finally having an orgasm with a partner for the first time after years of faking it, was not just beautiful, but liberating. I mean it from the deepest, most unmasked part of me that wasn't just about sex. It was about trusting my body, trusting my nervous system to stay present, trusting that I didn't have to shut it all down just because it felt good. So if you're someone who's ever felt that disconnection, if you've ever checked out right when it was getting good, if you've ever felt like your body has a limit on how much it's allowed to enjoy. I just want you to know you are not broken. And that ceiling, it can be stretched. It just takes time, safety, patience, some vulnerability, and this deep, radical belief that you are allowed to stay in the good. [00:08:52] Okay, so now that we've named the pleasure ceiling and you've heard about how it's shown up for me, let's talk about how to stretch it. Because you don't need to break through it. It's not about pushing harder. It's about building capacity little by little. Here are a few things you can try when you notice yourself pulling away from pleasure. Number one. Name what's happening when you catch yourself starting to disconnect. Pause and say, either out loud or in your head, this is the ceiling. I'm okay. I'm safe. I can stay. The simple recognition. It gives your nervous system context. It's like you're reminding yourself, this isn't dangerous. This is just new. Number two. Stay ten seconds longer. This one is huge. Whether you're in a moment of intimacy, receiving praise, enjoying your food, or even just letting yourself rest, try to stay with that feeling for just 10 more seconds. That's it. 10 slow, intentional seconds. Stretch your ceiling slowly. That's how it rewires. Number three. Anchor it in your body. Pick one physical cue to keep yourself grounded in the moment. A hand on your heart or on your belly. A slow exhale squeezing a pillow or the sheets beneath you, whispering to yourself. You're allowed to feel this. Your body learns through repetition and sensation. So give it something to come back to. This isn't about becoming someone new. It's about coming back to yourself and learning that you can stay, enjoy and softness in the heat of your own pleasure. Not just for a second, but for as long as it wants to last. [00:10:41] So loves wherever you are right now, whether you're lying in bed, driving home, walking your dog, or hiding in the bathroom for five quiet minutes, I hope this episode helped you feel seen. Because the truth is, you are not alone in this. You are not the only one who pulls away from good things. You're not the only one who's learned to feel unsafe in softness. You're definitely not the only one stretching to believe that you can stay in the good without guilt. Your body is listening. And every time you choose to stay with pleasure a little longer, every time you take a breath instead of checking out, every time you whisper, I'm allowed to enjoy this, you're building something powerful. So here's your reflection, prompt for this week. Where do I tend to pull away from pleasure emotionally, physically or mentally. And what would it feel like to stay in just 10 seconds longer next time? Write about it, think about it, or whisper it to yourself while your hands are on your skin. Want some more support? If this episode really hit home and you want some guided tools to help you go deeper, don't forget about the stretching your pleasure ceiling worksheet. And if you're craving even more like weekly pleasure themes, podcast extras, sensory rituals and community convos that actually feel safe. You are so invited to join the Ember Society and that's my private membership [email protected] ember.com we're brand new, so we're just starting to take some members and we would love to have you there. It's where we unlearn shame, reclaim joy, and get real about what it means to fully, unapologetically be ourselves. Don't forget to subscribe or follow this podcast wherever you listen and share it with someone you know who's still learning to stay with the good. We're all in this together. I'm Dr. Misty and I'll see you in the next episode.